#tell me one of my special interests is psychology without TELLING me one of my special interests is psychology

[genderqueerdykes]

i got paired up with a new therapist who specializes in and works primarily with neurodivergent patients. i felt comfortable enough to tell her that i'm autistic. she asked if i've ever received a formal diagnosis- i said no, because i've attempted in the past and i've been turned down because i'm "too articulate," i "speak too well," and they see my feminine deadname and that i'm legally AFAB and dismiss me, because "women can't be autistic".

my therapist told me that self-diagnosis is valid.

as we continued to talk through that session, she readily pointed out several autistic behaviors that i had been displaying without even realizing; i began infodumping about queer history and psychology without even realizing it, which she pointed out and then remarked that those are definitely special interests of mine. i felt floored. i knew these things about myself, but she acknowledged them effortlessly without hesitation.

in the next session, she pointed out that my tendency to re-analyze social interactions well past the time that they are over is also an autistic trait, and that i wasn't ruminating anxiously, but rather that's just how many autistic people process- we "over" analyze things in ways that allistics do not. it's difficult for many of us to figure out the entirety of what's happening in the moment, we process over time.

after that, she told me that during our next session, she wanted to spend that appointment talking about my special interests so she could get a better picture of me- specifically using that wording, calling them special interests.

after years of trying and failing to get acknowledgement for my neurotype, all it took was one therapist who specializes in neurodivergence to see the signs. one. sometimes all it takes is one person to make the difference. don't give up if you think you are autistic and are struggling to get a diagnosis or just recognition for it. it doesn't mean you're wrong. the average allistic knows nothing about how autism actually presents itself, only what they know from media, memes and mean jokes. sometimes all it takes is meeting one person who knows what autism looks like.

don't give up. you know who you are.

[the-raven-lady]

(Not) The Savior You Long For [Part 2]

[Masterlist] [My Ko-Fi]

Pairing: Night Lord (OC: Elias Rushorik) x serf!Reader [fem]

Song Inspiration: Jaws - Sleep Token [YouTube] [Spotify] “And I’m not here to be / the savior you long for / Only the one you don’t. / Are you watching me / with eyes of a predator / As you move towards the door?”

Warnings: Violence, cannibalism, explicit and detailed blood and gore, Night Lord things, ownership over reader, accidental voyuerism (sound only), trypanophobia (medical syringe)

Word Count: 3.7k

Author’s Note: 1.6k words of this are just an introduction that I wrote before I even got into the meat of it, completely by accident, because I do not know how to write without adding 30 layers of context and background (4D chess ass writing). Special thank you to @cannibalise for giving me delectable ideas and reading over some of the more graphic parts to help me set the tone!!!

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

Tag List: @egrets-not-regrets @sleepyfan-blog @kit-williams @bleedingichorhearts @bispecsual

@lemon-russ @moodymisty @dedios-of-the-word @pickpocketing-your-gender @historitor-bookshelf

Even weeks later, you struggle to shake the psychological mark the terminator’s gaze left on you. You make yourself busy sweeping one of the main halls, pushing your broom robotically up and down the grand passageway. The other legion serfs around you serve a similar purpose: readying the ship for the return of your Primarch and his elite troops. The Nightfall had been in orbit of this planet for naught but a week, dealing with a cultish tech-society and its oppressive government, yet the Night Lords managed to convince them to join the Imperium in record time. 

Convince is a strong word. You’re intimately aware that the discussion was had in the language of acts of violence and burned cities. Having once been on the receiving end of the Eighth’s hedonistic wrath, the thought sends an unpleasant chill through you, memories of mutilation and dismemberment still so clear in your mind. It had taken months for you to stop having panic attacks at the metallic tang of fresh blood. The whirr of a heavy flamer still got to you.

On one of your passes, you sweep by the alley leading to the armory and stop, staring down the dark hall. The serf no longer hangs from the torch bracket, and the astartes that attacked you no longer sits limply against the wall. His armor had been picked at and ‘recycled’ back into the legion. You have no idea what became of either body.

Another memory involuntarily takes you back to the night you had been so narrowly saved by the terminator.

—No, you could not call him your savior. He had just wanted his armor shined, and there was something in his way so he removed it. Night Lords are selfish, self-interested and sadistic, and he was no different.

You rested the massive helmet in your lap as you worked, scraping at filth that had built up for who knows how long. It amazed you that the astartes it belonged to could even see through the lenses given how much dried blood was crusted on them. It came off in flakes before dissolving into the moisture of the wash rag. You could have called the stained fabric spotless when you started compared to how soiled with grime it was now; at a glance, no one would be able to tell that it was white before.

The terminator’s eyes watched you like final judgement. The weight of his gaze instilled an unease in your heart, stabbing at every opportunity it could: each time you looked up at him, each time you lost focus, each time you caught a glimpse of the mangled Night Lord on the floor. It all hammered at a primal spike of dread that threatened to overwhelm you, consume you entirely, reminding you that you were only alive because you were useful. The tension was just as strong as when you had been pinned to the wall or huddled on the floor.

Your washcloth eventually reached a point where it was only smearing the grime rather than removing it, and you looked up to your silent master. The power of his presence alone made you hesitant to speak, and you found your throat suddenly parched. When you eventually recovered your voice, it left you as a croak, “I-I need to grab my water pail from the other room.”

He simply continued to stare at you, unmoving. As still as the gargoyles adorning the hall. You thought for a second that maybe he hadn’t heard you, and you opened your mouth to try again.

”I need to—“

”Then do it.”

You flinched. A rolling storm, his simple response left no room for questioning. Carefully placing his helmet onto the bench, you scuttled off to retrieve the bucket from the other room. His gaze burnt holes into your back.

The water in your bucket was a rusty brown slop when you returned to it. All of the heavier contaminants had settled to the bottom in a coagulated mass while you were away, gelatinous flesh and tangled hair weaving throughout. You lifted the heavy pail, careful not to spill any of the vile concoction onto yourself. Passing by, you noted that the other serf’s water was substantially less dingy than your own, and you didn’t think twice to grab it instead. It’s not as if it was of any use to her now.

The squelch of meat being torn and defiled echoed suddenly through the otherwise silent armory, instinctually gluing you to your spot on the floor. Cracks and crunches of something solid breaking bounced around you. The abrasive sounds left your heart fluttering and nerves electric, and a panicked tension flowed through your limbs as fight or flight tried its damndest to take over. 

‘It would be safer to hide, hide, retreat to safety,’ it erroneously cried, weighing you down like lead. A comforting lie. 

One you refused to give in to. 

‘There is no safety here,’ you retorted, ‘Only certain death.’ A wolf’s den, and you were the doting lamb. The fear of facing punishment for taking too long far outweighed the hesitation to continue, and you willed yourself to step forward through the icy shackles binding you. 

The sight of the terminator tearing flesh from the body of his former brother froze you as you rounded the corner with your pail. His eyes were glazed in manic pleasure as he ripped off another juicy chunk, sharp teeth effortlessly dissecting muscle fibers from the cooling corpse. Bestial snarling and slurping accompanied every chomp, and growls at a pitch nearly too deep to hear rattled through your bones like a saw. With each gnash of his powerful jaws, blood and spit shot out of the torn hole in his mouth, drooling down his armor in crimson dribbles.

Time itself seemed to stop when his predatory gaze found you. His dilated pupils completely swallowed the outer corners of white— could you even consider them dilated when they took up so much of his eyes already?— and pinned you in place. The ravenous beast swallowed his kill in a silent threat. 

You were about to make a run for it when he lowered the defiled corpse and snarled at you, foreign viscera spewing from his scar.

”Finish.”

You had done exactly as you were told while the terminator continued to make a mess of himself. Once you’d finished his helmet, he made you clean off the rest of his armor as a token of a job well done. 

A strong dissonance contrasted the perfectly shined ceramite and rags of human hide adorning his war gear. You didn’t understand at first why the Night Lords would go through such lengths to clean their armor, only to decorate it with the disgusting tokens of their kills and bathe it in blood again, but over time you began to recognize the mentality. The layers of blood were a byproduct of their work— terrifying in their own right, yes, however ultimately just ‘part of the job’—, but each placement of flesh and bone was deliberate; they chose to wear them. It added terror to their already gruesome countenance.

You figure you must have done well polishing his armor, because the terminator had left you alive in the end. As expected, he gave you no feedback. No thanks or gratitude shown before he simply walked off. For the second time that day, you were left in the armory with a huge mess to clean entirely on your own.

Shaking your head, you return to the present and continue sweeping, pushing the pile of dust around to keep yourself busy. 

Sharp clanks of heavy boots cut through the relative peace. You look down the hall to see other serfs parting ways and scurrying off to make way for a coming company of giants. Their armor dwarfed that of the regular Night Lords, tanks of metal and firepower that razed battlefields in their wake.

The Contekar Elite.

You knew of them from hushed whispers passed between serfs in the chow hall. Units of butchers that sowed despair in the hearts of their foes. Ruthless in how they constantly checked one another, the Contekar took advantage of any perceived weakness to prove their dominance over the rest of the legion. They were notorious for simply killing any commanders they disagreed with, and only the likes of First Captain Sevatarion or the Lord Night Haunter himself could tame them. 

Each colossus carried weapons as long and large as your entire body as they approached: chainblades, flamers, and cavitators, all ready to be used at a moment's notice. You hurried to get out of their way, tucking yourself behind a hallway corner. The monoliths of steel shook the ground with each step, a deafening thunder echoing down the main hall that signaled their arrival. There was no chorus or fanfare amongst them to be found; each marine was as silent as death itself.

They ignored you as they passed by. The Contekar couldn’t care less for the meddlings of a common legion serf, too busy with themselves to notice you, and it brought you shallow comfort.

At least, it would have. 

Preoccupied with watching the marines at your front passing by, you didn’t realize that one of them was headed straight towards you until his footfalls physically rattled the ground beneath you. You whip your head towards him and nearly jump out of your skin, clutching to the corner of the wall as he stares down at you. 

His entire body is marred with blood. Even from where you cower, you can see that he must be at least three meters tall in his armor, if not more. The digits of his power claw have pieces of mangled flesh still caught between their hydraulic pistons, forming webs between them. A mummified head dangles at eye level from a meat hook, and it crosses your mind that it could have been yours. 

You recognize his tusked helmet immediately.

The Contekar studies you. He is a perfect statue: unmoving and silent aside from the faint whirring emanating from the power pack on his back. Behind the scarlet lenses, his eyes scrutinize you down to your very last atom. A lion picking apart its prey.

“Come,” he orders, his gruff voice offering no further explanation. He takes a step away from you with the intent to continue further down the passage, and you suddenly find your limbs leaden and weak, unable to follow. Sensing your trepidation, his head turns back towards you, eyes locking on yours. The faded skull decal isn’t as cute when you’re at the receiving end of its ire.

Pain shoots up your left arm as you’re yanked off of the wall and lifted without another word. The cold metal of the Escaton power claw digs into your bones uncomfortably, sharpened claws at each fingertip poking into your flesh. The terminator grasps you by your forearm and drags you beside him until you can find your footing and walk on your own, stumbling into a jog to keep up. When you retrieve your arm, partially dried pieces of viscera stick to it from where you were grabbed. You brush them off hastily with a grimace; at least the power claw didn’t break skin.

You hug closely to the terminator’s leg as you walk with the group, not wanting to get trampled. The other serfs mostly keep their heads down as you pass them by, but a few give you a sympathetic look. The rest of the Contekar continue to ignore you.

The suites housing the Elite are grander than any part of the ship you have been in thus far. Compared to the regular Night Lord’s dorms, the metal halls leading to their private quarters are pristine. The usual decor of skulls and tanned skins is present, but there is no buildup of filth and grime along the floors and walls. The scent of fresh air is jarring. Most surprising to you is that each of the marines has their own private rooms, which you learn when you are unceremoniously shoved into one. 

The tusked terminator’s room is shockingly comfortable, for a Night Lord. A thin light strip, the same brightness of a full moon on your former world, serves as the only illumination of the dark room. Along the walls are various trophies that you assume are from his time in the field, both of his kills and plunders. A large work table and chair take up the whole of the wall to your right. Instead of a regular astartes-sized cot, there is an actual bed with pillows and a wide plush mattress. In the back corner of the room is a closed door, which you assume leads to a washroom.

Whoever your new charge was, he lives well.

A click catches your attention, and you turn to your left to see him removing the heavy pauldrons of his armor. He places each of them on the sturdy table, then turns his attention to his power claw, his gauntlets, his vambraces— steadily pulling them off one plate at a time. After removing his helmet, shakes out his greasy black hair and turns to look at you with a furrow in his brow. 

You remember your place and jump into action, aiding the marine in removing his sabatons. The plates of ceramite are much too heavy for you to lift on your own, but it’s easier for your smaller hands to get into the creases to release locks and latches. The two of you enter a wordless synergy, pulling off the heavy terminator armor piece by piece and placing each on a designated mantle. You’re extra careful not to get caught on the hooks of his armor. The desiccated head serves as a good reminder.

Even reduced to just his body glove, the astartes is colossal. His height easily dwarfs the majority of his brothers. You have to crane your neck upwards to look at his face, barely coming up to chest level on him. This close, you can see the sprinkling of grey hair within his sideburns and the lines of his face that indicate some arbitrary older age. You never did know how to tell the ages of astartes.

He uses his newfound freedom to stretch his limbs. Each is as broad as a tree trunk, and you figure they’re likely just as immovable. When he catches you staring and waiting, he simply returns the look, quietly raising an eyebrow.

“Would you like your armor shined, my lord?” you try, gesturing vaguely to the table and mantle. His eyes track the movement, looking over his war gear in silence before he gives you a curt nod. He points to a drawer beside his bed, then without further clarification turns his attention to removing his body glove. 

Within the drawer you discover a stack of folded shop towels. Why they’re there is a mystery to you. Judging by the size of the terminator armor, you decide three is enough for now, grabbing them and sliding the drawer shut. You look up to ask if the Contekar has any armor oil around, only to see him half-naked walking through the door in the corner. It swings shut behind him, leaving you once again to solve your problems on your own.

You wonder what force in this universe blessed you with such a communicative master.

It took him three entire days to tell you, “you live here,” instead of simply denying you the ability to leave and making you sleep on the floor. You swore he was going to turn your rib cage into a new trophy when you eventually did get out, trying to navigate your way back to the serfs’ dormitory for much needed food. He had hunted down like a rabbit, snatched you up from behind, and thrown you back into his quarters with a growl to, “stay put.” What the terminator lacked in words, he greatly made up for with his intimidating presence.

He did get you food, though, and an abundance of it. You hadn't seen so much variety since you were still living on your home planet. Delicacies like meat were rare to you, and you eagerly scarfed everything down. In your hunger, you did not ask where the meat came from.

It’s not as if he would have told you anyway, given how scantily he spoke. You haven’t even gotten his name out of him yet.

The only times you were permitted to leave the suite were when you could accompany him. Trips to the armory gave you vital chances to hoard cleaning supplies, having gotten accustomed to the lesser atmosphere of decay around the Elites’ quarters. On top of the standard armor oils, you managed to snag an expensive looking jar of polish, which you hoped would gain you some favor. Your master doesn’t particularly show you signs of care, but he also hasn’t killed you yet, and that has to be worth something.

On your way back to his quarters, a discordant howling rings out from one of the rooms adjacent to his. You flinch at the sound, assuming the worst: that somebody nearby was in the midst of being tortured and flayed alive, and that you would have to hear their slow untimely demise throughout the night. It wouldn’t be the first time you had to fall asleep to the sounds of screams and cries. The Contekar, however, scoffs. His nose scrunches up in annoyance, teeth bared in a disgusted snarl. 

“Don’t understand the appeal,” he grunts, shaking his head and continuing forward. 

Glancing over in confusion, you start to pay more attention to the sound. The rhythmic pattern of each holler and whine. The sound of skin on skin. The quiet pleas of, “more, please, more!” 

Your eyes widen when you put two and two together, ducking your head down to hide the blush steadily rising on your cheeks. That was not the type of torture you were expecting to hear. You pick up the pace and hope the terminator doesn’t recognize your sudden newfound urgency.

He allows you to store your armory stash in his bedside drawer alongside the rags. It nearly knocks you over when he throws an arm out to keep you from closing it, sending you staggering back with a huff. He removes one of the towels, then abruptly drops it over the top of your head. You don’t even get the chance to remove it before you’re being pushed in a direction, blindly stumbling along. A transition strip between some passageway causes you to trip and fall to the floor. Pulling the towel off of your head, your vision clears to the sight of the bathroom. 

You shoot the terminator a bewildered look before he lifts you by the back of your shirt and throws you underneath a showerhead, giving you no warning before turning it on. The cold jet hits you like a hose spray, causing you to yipe at the sudden temperature shock. Freezing water saturates your clothes. 

He breathily laughs at your agonized shiver.

Despite the rude beginning, you return from the washroom refreshed, feeling for the first time like your skin isn’t permanently encrusted with the gunk lining nearly every surface of the ship. It had been weeks since you could last bathe in any capacity. The water did warm up eventually– not warm, but not frigid– and allow you to scrub the filth off.

When you exited the shower, your master was nowhere to be seen, and there was a new uniform on the oversized counter. It wasn’t difficult to tell that it was intended for you, given the vast size difference between you and the Elite. The navy blue outfit bears an embroidery of the Eighth’s winged skull over each shoulder and lines of Nostraman text that you are unable to translate. You’re just happy the new garbs aren’t tattered and fraying like the last, which you gleefully toss. They land in the bucket with a wet squish.

As you approach the door to the main room of the quarters, you’re alerted to the sound of quiet conversation, not expecting there to be anyone but the terminator about. The tonal register is too low and quiet for you to make out any spoken words. 

You enter the space in time to watch your master sit at the table and place his arm out flat upon it. An apothecary stands beside him unpackaging a syringe. He stabilizes the terminator’s arm in the crux of his shoulder, turning his palm upwards and pressing the bevel of the needle into a prominent vein running distally from the elbow. Crimson liquid slowly fills the barrel as he pulls the plunger back.

The apothecary’s cart bears instruments uncharacteristic of typical medicae. Replacing scalpels and suturing utensils are various packaged needles and pigment bottles. A large battery pack wires into a small rectangular box, the screen and dials illegible to you from your current distance, with a strange metal stylus connected to it. Sitting atop a stack of disposable napkins is a tall wash bottle containing a clear substance. The apothecary flicks the syringe until the bubbles have all risen to the top, slowly venting the air until only blood remains, and he carefully ejects a drop into each of the waiting ink cups.

Your gaze falls back on the Contekar in time to see him rising from his chair and walking towards you. You cower back on instinct, anxiety creeping up from your chest. 

He wipes a stray drop of blood from his arm with a thumb, and when you move to question what’s going on, he jams the digit into your mouth. The coppery taste spreads over your tongue as you gag from the intrusion, unable to pull away due to the unyielding grip he has on your jaw. He jerks your head upwards, forcing you to look at him, and the abyss of his black eyes swallows you whole.

“Strip.”

Not everyone saw the art the first time around, so here's your Mans

[Part 3]

[seeingsooey]

DEBUNKING EVERY* “NARCISSISTIC ABUSE” ARGUMENT

*every as in every possible flaw or question that I’ve seen or thought of. I may add to this if I see more.

And if you’re seeing this now it’s probably prone to change.. I tend to be a little unintelligible sometimes when I talk and might even go in circles.

My longest post about this topic and also like my 6 billionth time posting about it. I can’t quit 😭. Plus this is really something people need to be more aware about, seeing how concerningly normalized all of this is.

FIRST of all, what is “narcissistic abuse”?

- narcissistic abuse, or sometimes called “narc abuse” is a pop-psychology trend that would essentially define “ abuse committed or perpetrated by somebody with NPD or narcissistic traits”

I hope this already raises a few red flags. The idea of narcissistic abuse isn’t founded in science, at ALL, and is ACTUALLY something influencers are using to hook vulnerable victims of abuse onto a narrative for clout. You’ve been deceived, guys.

“ what’s the problem with “narcissistic abuse” ?”

- the problem with the term stems from the concept in of itself. Nobody, NOBODY is abusive from diagnosis. This is a cruel and immature statement that does SO much harm towards people. Abuse is somebody’s choice, and whether or not somebody abusive has NPD is entirely irrelevant. Hold abusers accountable for their behavior, and not the disorder.

- You would be making a broad generalization of a disorder that’s not very well understood to begin with, and pushing extremely heavy stigma.

“ but my abuser was a narcissist!”

how do you know? Are they actually diagnosed, or is this a guess you made from the armchair?

I can almost assure you it’s the latter.

You also fail to realize the entitlement you have here.

If they are actually diagnosed with NPD, refer to my “ what’s the problem with narcissistic abuse”

“ but this downplays what I went through!”

- what you went through was valid. And it must have been terrible. Love-bombing, gaslighting, triangulation, DARVO, and manipulation as a whole are all real. Abuse is real. and it harms and even kills thousands of people yearly. The point was never about shutting down somebody’s story, but rather stopping the spread of misinformation and hatred. Your pain is not an excuse to cause pain, simply put.

“ you don’t get it. You don’t know narcissistic abuse until you’ve experienced it, it’s on a whole other level.”

- look, honestly, you kind of sound like you’re victimizing yourself. Abuse shouldn’t be something that should be “graded” from best to worst. It’s abuse. It’s already a terrible thing. Acting as if you went through some “special” kind of abuse would actually just tell me that you feel a sense of grandiosity. Now don’t shit yourself! Thats one of the core criteria of the NPD you hate so much!! Also, to put it bluntly as possible,

there is NO scientific evidence to suggest that NPD has its own pathological pattern of abuse. Everything that you see? Yeah. That’s a relationship guru influencer or some pop psych nut relabeling emotional abuse. Don’t get your information from that.

Frankly, this should shut down the entire argument for narcissistic abuse but whatever. If you realize that there is no pathological pattern, what is the point? You realize now that this is out of the way, the ONLY thing you are doing is spreading stigma and misinformation. right?

“ but narcissist can be used without the context of NPD!”

To put it simply, no.. it can’t. Here’s why.

Every single human being ever has engaged in what you would call “ narcissistic” behavior. Things that are self serving, self interested, or self obsessed. We all do it.

Abuse as a whole? IS SELF SERVING. It is “narcissistic” as much as I wouldn’t call it that. If all abuse would fall under this, then why would it be made into a specific term, seperate from others? Wouldn’t that seem superficial?

Narcissist can only be used for individuals that have NPD. Within NPD, these behaviors are PATHOLOGICAL. Because it’s pathological, that is the entire purpose of referring to somebody like that, as you would refer to somebody with ASPD a “sociopath” or somebody with autism “ autistic.”

It’s pathological.

“ this article”

- by the National library of medicine

( actually, I’d go read this article!)

Honestly. This has very little to do with the point.

While it may be true on a level of statistics that those with NPD hold a higher threshold to be abusive, that still wouldn’t prove that there is a pathological pattern linked with NPD. This just doesn’t prove anything. Refer back to my “ what’s the problem with narcissistic abuse.”

“ if all abuse is self serving and “narcissistic”, what’s the problem? Wouldn’t that prove that narcissists are abusers?”

Reread the whole post. This is entirely too broad a generalization.

If you’ve made it this far. Hi!! Bye!!

This is lowkey how I feel typing all this shit up bruh I have too much free time

[springjjjj]

FAVORITE JAPANESE BL [PART 1]

Writing this as an excuse to list the amount of Japanese BL I fell in love with.

Listing 5 series per post because life is too busy 😔

Random rambling. I just need to let some thoughts out my chest.

Link for: Part 2

1. Utsukushii Kare

They're my favorite most complex characters ever written. In a shallow level, they're two people who seems to be living in a different world but looking at them deeply, I don't think they're that different. Hira's love for Kiyoi is more than an obsession and Kiyoi needs that kind of obsession towards him that without realizing, he's already fallen deeply in love.

Their equal obsession towards each other must be the reason why I enjoy their dynamic. And another was how they hold each other up high. When Hira needs to build his confidence, Kiyoi is the first person to hold his vessel and assure him. When it seems like no one believes in Kiyoi, Hira never fails to prove that he will always have Kiyoi's back (*whispers Eternal*).

I have read the novel, manga & BLCD after watching this series, just because they were too interesting.

The drama was a quality work. I don't think it will be this good if not for the great performance of the actors too. Their chemistry was really amazing. The scriptwriting was also well done, especially in the movie. I still manifest S3.

📍5/5

Genre: Youth, Psychological, Bullying, Coming-of-age

Seasons: S1, S2, Movie

Episodes: 6 (S1) + 4 (S2)

Website to watch: Gagaoolala, WeTV, Viki

2. Ossan's Love

There's no other BL comedy that had comedy in the highest form of comedy than Ossan's Love. This is the craziest and the most chaotic BL to ever exist. I might have to extend the appreciation to the video editor and the music editor first, the effects and cuts made the slapstick acting extra funny.

This felt like a social experiment, there's just too many versions of Ossan's Love with different Maki(s) until they found THE one. And I'm glad they didn't stop because our Maki now has the best chemistry with Kurosawa and Haruta.

Kurosawa and Maki are always physically fighting, their energy and seriousness while Haruta is going insane every time they meet eye to eye always makes the drama breathless. They've got to be the most talented actors ever brought in yaoi because we all know every time they start fighting, it was mostly adlibs and they always do it right. And for all we know, Haruta's got to be the most tiring and difficult character, he's just too expressive and emotional but that never hindered him in his flawless acting. I guess that's just how veterans are.

Maki and Haruta's chemistry are undeniable in a way that I love their skinships and small gestures for one another. They're too natural and comfortable. It's too warm and sometimes it's not enough. (My grudge grows every time they cut off MakiHaru's kiss.)

📍5/5

Genre: Workforce, Comedy, Love Triangle

Seasons: S1, Movie, S2 + Spinoff

Episodes: 7 (S1) + 9 (S2) + 2 (Spinoff)

Website to watch: Gagaoolala, Viki

3. Our Youth

It could be the color grading, the atmosphere, the soundtrack or their relationship that they could not speak to anyone that makes this drama bittersweet.

The yearning in their eyes, in the classroom, in the hallways or the street, the unspoken words that there's no one who understands but only the two of them.. it's like they have their own world. They want each other so bad.

How could the society be so judgmental and segregate them just because of their situation and performance? This drama was heavy in reputation. Even until the end, it looked strange for everyone that they are friends so how could they tell anyone about their relationship? I think this might have the most delightful and saddest ending to have ever been written. The manhwa was not enough to heal me.

📍5/5

Genre: Youth, Time Skip, Domestic Violence

Seasons: 1

Episodes: 10 + 1 (Special Episode)

Website to watch: Gagaoolala

4. Love is a Poison

It's the first legal Japanese BL I've watched (and I suppose Japan's first adapted one too). Absolutely gave me full suspicion and anxiousness towards Haruto despite him saying "I'll never betray you". The build up of their relationship felt just right while multiple things are happening at once.

Shiba's ice prince personality was done pretty well, by how hard he pretends that he wasn't interested in Haruto then when they started dating, there was no hesitance in melting and becoming softer like marshmallows especially with how he talks and how he gets sensitive with the way others would talk about his boyfriend. He was a natural fool for love.

Haruto was sassy and oozing with confidence. "I can be whatever I want" but also folded easily and fell in love. He felt more like a protector but also a lot softer and would always express how he wants to be protected and taken care of. It breaks me when he cries in his sleep.

The best thing about this two is the confidence they have for each other. They are a genius and a great team to solve everything just by doing it all together. We're in serious need of S2 to solve Haruto's aka Haruhara Kento's mother's case and Haruto becoming a lawyer.

📍5/5

Genre: Legal, Suspense, Action, Mystery, Comedy

Seasons: 1

Episodes: 12

Website to watch: Netflix

5. Cherry Magic

I also believe that Kurosawa is the king of yearning. I've watched the anime version and others but I realized that this specific adaption was the perfect recipe in expressing Kurosawa's overwhelming unrequited love. It might be the directing of the drama or its just Kurosawa did too well in his microexpressions and delivery of lines that I only have two reaction when Adachi hears his thoughts, either I'm weirded out or I'm in tears because he's too sincere.

Adachi is such a great representation of all people who have no confidence in themselves, no dreams or goals in life. People who had to live because they are alive. He's like a stab in the heart and a jab in the stomach, it made me feel that I wasn't alone. Adachi's strength is his honesty and when he don't know how much strength he sends to others, not only to those around him but to the viewers as well. As his confidence grows with Kurosawa next to him, we might actually just need people who are willing to lift our spirits up.

They hurt so good. When they talked about their secret relationship, emergencies and contacts, this is definitely one of the top reasons why same-sex marriage should be legal. No ones belief really matter, what's important is for everyone to get the same rights.

When they walked hand in hand on their last scene, it was bittersweet but I'm proud of them because they were no longer scared of the society. It was a really beautiful ending.

(-.5 because second couple had no chemistry for me ㅠㅠ.)

📍4.5/5

Genre: Fantasy, Workforce, Comedy

Seasons: 1 + Movie

Episodes: 12 + 2 (Special Episode)

Website to watch: WeTV

[andthelaw]

I wish antis learned to just.

Do research.

Like— yeah it can feel scary or you can find yourself thinking to yourself "These actions/things/people are obviously bad! Why would I read about this?" But wouldn't it be a bit strange to try and prove a point (for example that proship is a bad stance or that some things should be censored) without having any actual understanding of the topic?

Fandoms have become a playground for people of all ages not too long ago and today many young ones think half of their friends can turn on them for having a "wrong" opinion.

Well first of all this is really sad.

Second of all you should talk to your friends to try and understand them instead of leaving them without any explanation.

I've decided to write about things that scientists working in psychology have found that you might find interesting, comforting or supportive of your opinion or identity! It might also encourage a change in attitude or spark curiosity to do your own research!

I might make this into a series if any of you will be interested?

Also I'm new when it comes to Tumblr so please suggest tags or tell me if I should get rid of some

Before you reblog/like/share/etc I would like to first empathize that I am anti harmful contact and do not support various ideologies promoting discrimination against any group of individuals [including but not limited to sexism, racism, transphobia, homophobia etc] if you support/are neutral about these things you do not agree with me and I would advise you to educate yourself on why your opinions might cause harm to others around you and yourself.

TLDR: Discriminating, Harassing and Harmful contact are BAD. The author does not support!

Minors thread with caution. I'm going to talk about sexual things here but they're going to be written in a scientific language. If you find yourself getting uncomfortable it's ok to stop reading obviously :>

Non-Con fantasies!

By Dr. Raj Persaud and Dr. Jenny Bivona [Rajendra 'Raj' Persaud is an English consultant psychiatrist, broadcaster and author of books about psychiatry. Dr. Jenny M Bivona is a Waco, Texas based psychologist who is specialized in Clinical Psychology.]

While almost everyone has sexual fantasies, previous research into the subject has found between 31 and 62% of women have rape fantasies.

A team of researchers based at the University of North Texas and the University of Notre Dame studied 355 young women.

A part of the research also involved the participants being read a rape fantasy scenario over headphones, to investigate how aroused they became ... The scenario placed more emphasis on the use of coercion than on the sexual pleasure.

The results of the study—which also explored other sexual and aggressive fantasies, self-esteem, attitudes to sex, and other personality testing—are that 52% of the women had fantasies about forced sex by a man; 32% had fantasies about being raped by a man; 28% had fantasies about forced oral sex by a man; 16% about forced anal sex; 24% about being incapacitated; 17% about forced sex by a woman; 9% about being raped by a woman; and 9% about forced oral sex by a woman. Overall, 62% reported having had at least one of these fantasies.

Of the women who reported having the most common rape fantasy, ''being overpowered or forced by a man to surrender sexually against my will,'' 40% had it at least once a month and 20% had it at least once a week.

There's also this part I really love

These results suggest that having fantasies about things we would never endorse or choose to do in reality, are not necessarily signs of psychological disturbance. In fact, according to this research, women who have rape fantasies also tend to have more positive attitudes toward sex, high self-esteem, and more frequent consensual sexual fantasies.

So yeah if you're or someone you know is into non-con fanfiction or writes it? Totally normal. A lot of people that do not engage in fandom activities (so called "normies") have fantasies like these and it's ok. They do not justify crimes and would never want that to happen to them or anyone in real life but they just like having fun. You better try to allow yourself to have fun too especially when it comes to fictional characters or versions of real people that aren't actually real (so like imagining your friends or celebrities etc) because these will not harm anyone!

Also remember that fanfiction is not mass media.

It can't normalize anything.

[sirfrogsworth]

This post has really been a big lesson in science communication.

Like, yeah, the lack of detail from being far away is a needed variable to create the illusion. But why do we still see it as small once we know it is big? I'm trying to go beyond the technical and into the psychological and some people just don't want to take that journey with me so they just default to "he is wrong about this".

I think I did a little better with my addition where I showed the horse from below. And maybe if that was in the original post I wouldn't have gotten so many of these skeptical comments.

I was trying to make a bigger point about how past experiences inform your present visual perception. At a very young age we are blasted with imagery. Thousands of images per day. Our brain builds a library of visual experiences to help us understand what we are seeing at any given time.

Again, up to 90% of our visual perception is our brain using past experiences to build what we see. And by "see" I don't mean the raw data collected by our eyeballs. I mean the finished visual product our mind constructs for us.

If our brains had to process the entirety of our raw visual input they would literally overheat.

This is not a perfect analog, but imagine trying to process an 8K video at 60 fps... while also constantly stitching together a three dimensional panorama... all while processing your other senses... and running your vital organs... and thinking about what you are seeing and then processing the meaning... and sometimes also processing sound and its meaning... all at once... nonstop.

Your brain takes shortcuts to give you a very close approximation of visual reality. It has to.

I wasn't trying to answer if you would see tilt shift photos as miniature without previous experience. I think if all of the variables that are needed for the effect were perfect you might get that sense. In photos where those variables are imperfect, it might take a while to get there. But I really have no idea and I think that would be impossible to test. Like, after seeing one image you're going to use that experience to process all future images.

So, maybe the answer is yes, but only one time?

But how would you find a person who has no visual experience looking at small things that represent big things? I had toys before I could remember having toys. How do you find someone who has never seen a Rudolph Christmas special or a toy advertisement?

If your brain has that data, it is going to use it. So for the vast majority of people, past experience is absolutely why they see the effect. I guess I was trying to answer why you feel it is miniature so instantly and intensely, and more importantly, why you can't *unsee* it as miniature.

You can't tell your brain, "actually, thing is big" and then see it as big. Maybe if you concentrate really hard you can get a sense of bigness but it is always going to snap back to "thing is small." Your brain has years and years of experiences looking at pictures of small things and you can't undo those experiences through sheer force of will. It is using that old data to avoid melting and so "thing is small" becomes locked in.

I just thought that was fascinating and a huge mindfuck and much more interesting than "if you remove all these experiences will it still look small?" EVERYONE HAS THOSE EXPERIENCES!

Except maybe one of those tribes that shoot arrows at anyone who tries to see what their deal is.

Okay, to settle this we are going to need a suit of armor and one brave scientist willing to take an iPad with a photo of a train into their village.

In any case, I felt this tilt shift illusion was a perfect opportunity to explore the science of visual perception and answer a bigger question. And I'm not sure what I could have done differently to keep people from having these doubts.

One person said I was speculating and then speculated as to why I was wrong about this.

First... lol.

But I'm not pulling this out of my ass! I went down so many research rabbit holes trying to figure this out. I just feel like the detractors aren't getting what I'm trying to explain. And I don't know if that is because I'm doing a bad job explaining or if explaining it to everyone is just not possible.

If there are any science communication people or enthusiasts who can advise, I would appreciate it. I love doing this kind of educational content and I just want to make sure I reach as many people as possible.

[wndfsh]

a (brief) analysis of toxic masculinity and fatherhood in final fantasy x

something i have always loved about braska is that, although he doesn't have much of a canon personality, in what little we see of him, he is so clearly an extremely supportive and genuine person. in life, he was a loving husband, a good friend, and even from beyond the grave, a supportive father to yuna.

it's interesting to me, then, how much of his personality is in direct contrast to jecht, who, at the start of braska's pilgrimage, is none of those things. but it isn't that he and braska are opposites—when you think about it, they're actually pretty similar—it’s their respective ability/inability to express vulnerability that sets them apart. lemme explain:

in all that we see of braska, he never really seems to not be thinking of his family. jecht, from the very beginning, is shown to be the same way, but it takes him a long time to be able to express it—let alone admit it—without lashing out. braska, on the other hand, has no reservations about displaying his affection for his family, doing so pretty often.

both braska and jecht are famous, braska being a known basphemer and a summoner on pilgrimage, and jecht being a blitzball champion. fittingly, braska doesn't expect special treatment for his status. he’s appreciative and humble, and when the party arrives in besaid, he admires it. jecht, however, insults it for its quaintness, and impatiently demands food. similarly, when they first depart on braska's pilgrimage, he expects fanfare, and the celebrity treatment he received in zanarkand.

unlike braska, who outwardly treasures and humanizes the women in his life, in the nightmare tidus has in besaid, it seems like jecht (although it's obvious from watching cutscenes with his wife in them that they loved one another dearly) outwardly regards them as… almost conquests, mocking tidus for being unable to “get a woman.” he also only really mentions his wife in passing, whereas braska mentions his, and his daughter, quite often.

braska lovingly encourages yuna to choose her own path, and promises to support her wherever she decides to go.

jecht, however... i mean, there's a whole minigame about that, so… y’know.

everything i just described, however, as most figure out when they finish playing through the game, is not the “real” jecht. i said he and braska are similar for a reason; underneath his ego, he, too, possesses the capability to be every bit as genuine and supportive as braska, and there are moments where he almost lets his true feelings surface.

...but, in the end, he doesn't. while he and braska are indeed similar below the surface, he’s practically incapable of allowing himself to be emotionally vulnerable, and that, i believe, is what sets he and braska apart.

he tells auron to turn the sphere recorder off when he gets teary-eyed in luca. in macalania woods, he turns the sphere recorder off after trying to talk to tidus, because he's "no good at these things." tidus's entire life, jecht has ridiculed him for always crying—for showing his emotions. auron tells tidus that jecht loved him—"he just didn't know how to express it, he said."

even in jecht's final moments, he mocks tidus for crying (and even though it isn't genuine, it's still worth noting).

but… why? why is jecht almost allergic to vulnerability? and why isn’t braska? that may be where they differ, sure, but what is it that causes it in the first place?

i think final fantasy x, whether intentional or not, has a lot to say about masculinity. many have noticed this and discussed it at length, and i'd like to contribute my own (admittedly weird and kind of bullshit) two cents on the matter by examining each of them through the lens of jungian psychology (hence why i said it’s kind of bullshit—i’m not believer in jung's theories, i just find psychological archetypes interesting). more specifically, i believe jecht and braska each represent different stages of a jungian archetype known as the anima.

the anima is an archetype that is already present throughout the game’s narrative, anima being the name of seymour’s aeon—a fitting reference, given that anima is seymour’s mother. as it applies here, however, the anima not only represents a man’s perception of women, but it also represents a man's more "feminine" qualities (and while i don't agree with ascribing personality traits to gender, jung and all those other kooky old psychiatrists did, so we'll just have to roll with it for this analysis, unfortunately). more specifically, i think braska embodies a fully integrated anima, whereas jecht embodies a rejected anima.

what does that mean?

integrating one's anima, according to jung, means accepting and embracing the more traditionally feminine aspects of oneself (for instance, the ability to be nurturing, sensitive, emotional, etc.), as well as ridding oneself of the guilt associated with doing so. braska, being as shamelessly emotionally available, nurturing, and mature as he is, seems to have achieved just that. even his design borders on androgynous, his large, petaled robes concealing nearly all of his body.

jecht, however, very clearly has not. he rejects anything even remotely traditionally feminine within himself, even at the cost of his relationship with his son. as such, he is egotistical, lacks emotional maturity, and for a large part of braska’s pilgrimage, is incapable of taking responsibility—and, just as braska’s design reflects his relationship with femininity, jecht’s design reflects his own as well, putting his body (and his ego) on full display, emphasizing his muscles and scars.

(obviously, while not every aspect of the anima archetype and its stages of integration apply to jecht and braska, i do think they at least represent the aspects of the theory that affect one's self acceptance and emotional expression.)

as i said before, i think final fantasy x has a lot to say about masculinity—more specifically, toxic masculinity, and how it affects relationships.

the reason i brought up the anima archetype is because it’s relevant to the concept of toxic masculinity; men who aren’t ashamed of expressing traditionally feminine behaviors and characteristics are far less likely to idealize and aspire to toxic, performative masculinity, whereas men who do are more likely to do just that—braska being the former, and jecht being the latter.

jecht’s inability to express vulnerability as a result of how deeply rooted toxic masculinity is in his psyche is a large part of why he and tidus have such a negative relationship. for tidus’s entire life, jecht has ridiculed him for showing emotion (crying) and desiring closeness with him (wanting to learn how to play blitzball)—both of which are things that are often seen in men struggling with toxic masculinity. even ten years after jecht disappeared from zanarkand, tidus is never without that nagging voice in his head, telling him to “stop crying,” or, “you can’t do it, kid.”

similarly, braska’s masculinity also influences his relationship with yuna—unlike jecht, however, braska’s affects their reationship positively. this is because braska, in what little we see of him, is loving, supportive, and unafraid of expressing his emotions. he encourages yuna to live the way she wants to, and reminds her that he will always love her, even from beyond the grave. even ten years after his passing, she still holds him in very high regard, and his undying support is part of what motivates her to forge her own path in life—which is what leads to her and her party defeating yu yevon once and for all.

i don’t really have a conclusion, but i think this interaction between yuna and tidus illustrates just how each of them affected their children:

yuna, for a brief moment, can’t even fathom hating one’s father so, scolding tidus for doing so before she realizes it isn’t that simple. what a tell. braska’s positive impact on yuna helped her to go on to defeat the very source of spira’s suffering. jecht, however, left such a negative impact on tidus that, until he sees jecht change for the better in the sphere recordings he finds around spira, is plagued by his memory until the day he fades away.

[thesudokukid]

Finished one of my fics recently, added a surprise one-shot to another. Figured it couldn't hurt to poke my toe into the water with my most popular fic. See if posting on Tumblr is a good idea for me.

Personal Question (why are you apologizing)

Pairing: Autistic! Connor x Autistic! Nonbinary! Reader

Word Count: 2433

AO3 Next: Basic Decency (we're being watched)

Machine Connor Variant on AO3 On Tumblr

“Why are you apologizing?”

Four words you have always wanted to hear after an infodumping session. Four impossible, sacred words induce the sweetest pain you've ever felt.

You can't have heard him right. That has to be wishful thinking on your part. Right? Right?

In which Connor asks you a personal question, as he does, you infodump in response, and experience two miracles in the same day.

This is aimed at other autistic people. I wrote this in the hopes of giving myself catharsis and am sharing it on the grounds that other autistic people may find it cathartic too.

Alternating POV fic under the cut!

“Detective,” Connor says. “Would you mind overly much if I asked you a personal question?”

He reminds you so much of you with that question, you can't help but shake your head and grin, “Of course not, go ahead.”

“This ought to be fuckin' good,” your dad grumbles.

“Why did you choose to pursue a dual degree and not a double major? From my understanding, attending university as a neurodivergent student is hard enough, a dual degree on top of that must have been…”

Oh, that. It's a good opener for a casual conversation with you. Curious and sympathetic to what you must have suffered without tripping over itself to do so.

“It was hell on earth some days, make no mistake. The workload alone-”

At this point you laugh so long he looks honestly alarmed by it. Seeing this, you shake your head.

“I figured if I’m gonna fail, I might as well fail because I dreamed too big and not because I couldn't hack it in general. The fact that psychology is one of my special interests was also pretty helpful.”

For a second Connor looks interested. Actually genuinely interested. This is interrupted by your dad coughing out of nowhere. And also Connor looking around like there's some kind of active threat happening. As soon as he realizes there's not, he comes back to the conversation and just…tilts his head. Maybe that interest wouldn't mean much to a neurotypical but for you? For you who’ve masked so long you don't even allow yourself to engage in your special interests anymore? It's everything.

You can't help the smile that breaks onto your face. Because for a minute, for a moment, for just a little while…someone actually wants to hear you talk about your special interests. And since it's been so long, you go at it a lot harder than you otherwise might have. Even mentioning your first special interest.

—

“Using my first special interest of Titanic as an example, if the devil were to walk up to me and tell me that I would be able to learn everything there is to know about the Titanic, absolutely everything, within my lifetime in exchange for my soul? Could not make that deal fast enough. Wouldn't read the fine print.”

Connor leans forward as well as he can. At the moment, nothing matters more to him than this. He doesn't quite understand why. Only that the social integration protocol isn't even a factor at this point.

“Explain?”

The resulting smile is so bright it could outshine the sun itself. The Detective begins to speak more loudly, more quickly. Stumbling over their words in their excitement to share their interest.

“Devil would be utterly terrified of how quickly I agreed. And not only that, I would honestly feel like I got the better end of the deal out of that one. By a long shot. The Devil would have to give me absolutely everything and even then it still wouldn't be enough. I would annoy the Devil so much I would be given my soul again just so I’d stop being so much of a bother about it and as you can probably surmise that absolutely would not work.”

The Detective laughs and shrugs casually, for once, perfectly at ease. There's even a sunny smile on their face.

“By virtue of being my first special interest it’s also the most intense but that's generally how I feel about psychology as well. You can imagine how much of a boon that was under those circumstances I’m sure.”

They blink and perhaps three seconds later, the joy recedes and their bright smile fades. Only to be replaced by a brittle smile.

—

That last sentence… You’re infodumping. You get your first chance to talk about your special interest to someone outside your family in years and you fucking blew it by infodumping. Of course you did. Of course you did. Your throat’s gone dry, your face has gone hot. You're maybe five seconds of bursting into tears at best. You force yourself to disengage. To avoid thinking about how desperately lonely it is to not be able to talk about your special interests at all. To force yourself not to infodump. You're so tired of hiding. But even still, you have to.

You give yourself one last moment to feel grief for who you're not allowed to be. To feel pathetic for not having a normal level of interest in something so deeply important to you. And then you claw off the part of you that clings like a barnacle to such childish things.

“And I just realized I did a fucking infodump. God that's embarrassing.”

It tries to hurt. It wants to hurt. You smother the feeling and roll your eyes at yourself as you explain what infodumping is.

“It boils down to dropping a whole lot of info about a topic at once. And I don't typically notice when someone has gotten bored or disinterested or is trying to leave the conversation and I…got too emotional. I'm sorry. It won't happen again.”

Detach. Detach. Detach. Detach. Don't feel interest. Don’t show interest. You feel nothing.

You only realize that your past self is clinging to its special interests again when it digs in at Connor’s apparent “no, wait” look. Is-Is he actually interested?

There's no way. There isn't. It's absolutely impossible. You're just seeing what you want to see.

And then… And then… A miracle.

—

“Why are you apologizing?”

Four words you have always wanted to hear after an infodumping session. Four impossible, sacred words induce the sweetest pain you've ever felt.

You can't have heard him right. That has to be wishful thinking on your part. Right? Right?

You blink at him a few times and take a sip of your drink. You look up at the rainy sky, half expecting to see a winged pig fly by. You look back at Connor.

“Genuine question so please hear me out,” you say. Connor nods instantly and you're so relieved you could cry, “Did you actually ask what I’m hoping you asked? Because I’ve wanted someone to say that for so long I am honestly afraid that I’m hallucinating.”

“You aren't imagining or hallucinating anything,” Connor says. “I did in fact ask why you were apologizing for infodumping. Is there a specific reason you felt imagining it was the more likely option?”

There are tears trying to come out of your eyes right now. If you tell him now, right now, they're going to fall and won't stop falling until you can finish your grief of having to suppress who you really are. Feeling childish for having genuine all-consuming passion. The kind of emotional breakdown that’s best to have in private.

He seems genuinely interested in getting to know you and as much as you would be delighted to allow him to, you can't. At least, not right now.

“As much as I’d like to answer that question, that's best saved for a long drawn out conversation. You can call me Ainsel by the way. Internal systems only. For your specific serial number. To make up for the fact that I’m not answering that personal question yet. Sure we're all on a lunch break now but that's gonna end eventually and then it's back to work. Also, I might have a breakdown about it. Lot of grieving to do there.”

“Oh,” he says. It feels like a stab to the heart the way he looks like a wounded puppy about it. Not unlike the way you probably did when you first realized most people don't have a special interest in psychology. That most people will never understand that you express affection by studying them like a bug under a microscope. Most people are in fact deeply offended by it. In his case the worry seems to be that he hurt your feelings or brought up painful memories.

“I’m sorry.”

He gets up and gets in the car. If you don't follow him now, he's going to start suppressing his interest just like you did and oh God he's autistic isn't he?

You were done with your lunch anyway so you toss its detritus and go sit in the car with him. Your dad is still sitting there, eating his lunch.

You look in the general direction of the rear view mirror where Connor is staring at you. Watching, watching, analyzing you. He's like you. The thought settles your stomach more than you imagined possible.

—

Connor is keenly aware of Ainsel's presence the moment they enter their father's vehicle. Eyes sticking to them like a magnet via the rear view mirror, unable and unwilling to let go.

Fortunately they don't seem to be offended by the attention. His eyes move away the second Ainsel's eyes catch his, suddenly forced to remember his place in the world. They're a human. He's an android. They don't owe him anything. They never did. They're meant to have a one way relationship. He owes them an answer to their questions. Not the other way around. He certainly has no right to ask them something so immensely personal without warning.

He opens his mouth to apologize for the discomfort he previously caused them and finds himself surprised by Ainsel's shake of the head.

“You don't owe me an apology. I wasn't offended. About the staring or asking about something personal. I never said that I wouldn't answer the question or that I had better things to do with my time. I didn't even say that it was too painful to answer at all. I only said it was too painful to answer that question during work hours. That is a whole separate thing and idea from your perception that your personal question brought up too many bad memories for me to answer it at all.”

It's here that his programming confirms it would be a waste of time to ingratiate himself with the Lieutenant rather than Ainsel. For someone so immensely private to tell him their name, or something akin to their name, can only speak well of how much goodwill they have towards him already.

And even aside from that, it doesn't make what just happened right. It's him who should be comforting them, not the other way around. He shouldn't even need it.

Decision made. Connor gets out of the car and into the backseat where he closes the door.

—

Your hands start to move, ready and willing to tap out the rhythm of Shave and a Haircut. You force them to be still. You don't want them to be. You really, really don't want them to be. But you’ve had too much good luck today. You don't want to press it by stimming in a way that's actually noticeable. Once you uncork that bottle it won't want to be recorked. Connor might be fine with it. Maybe. He was fine with your info-dumping at him after all. And not even that, he seemed honestly upset that you stopped info-dumping.

But just because he's fine with one visible autistic trait doesn't mean he'll be fine with another. His coin tricks might, maybe, be a stim but you haven't known him too long so it's hard to tell.

You bring your hands closer together, to interlock them in an effort to keep yourself from stimming. They start trembling as if in response. Almost like they're trying to reassure you that you can stim, really, it's fine.

You bite your lip and prepare to ignore the reassurance. And then another miracle.

Connor sticks a hand between both of yours and very gently, very carefully stops you from locking your hands together by pulling them apart.

There's someone else it wouldn't have worked for. Hell, for you, that may not have even worked if you hadn't realized he was autistic like you. But right now, in this moment, for you? It was exactly the right thing to do.

Apparently your calmness is showing on your face because Connor pulls back his hands and watches as you sigh from relief and lean back against the window for a minute.

You shake the previous tension out of your hands and then let them do what they wanted to earlier. They clap out Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits loud enough your hands actually hurt afterwards. But it's a good kind of pain. Necessary. Because it means that you're healing.

—

Seeing that Ainsel seems to be feeling much better, Connor tries to reassure them he isn't going to think less of them for their autistic traits.

“Perhaps sharing the level of information you did earlier at the speed you shared it would have been too much for a human. But I’m not human, am I? You needn't feel contrition or have any qualms about potentially being unpredictable. After all, adaptation to human unpredictability is one of my many features. As for the other issue…”

Connor takes out his coin and rolls it over his knuckles once or twice before returning it to its place in his pocket.

Connor grins wolfishly and tries tossing in a wink for good measure, in an effort to help Ainsel know not only that he's on their side but that he truly means what he's saying. And for… something else. He's not sure why. It doesn't matter what the other reason is in the end. His point is made all the same.

He's made a gaping hole in Ainsel's ability to self-reproach for infodumping at him. And in so doing is tacitly encouraging them to do it more. The aim, in general, is discouraging any attempts to blame themselves for giving him heaps of information on something they're so obviously exuberant about. Because he's one of the few people in the world who can actually keep up with them. Who can process it as fast as they share it or even faster.

He stays in the backseat a while longer. For the sake of getting to know Ainsel better. So he can more easily predict their behavior. Or so he tells himself.

The Lieutenant knocks on the window in the middle of Connor asking Ainsel a safe, inoffensive question about their favorite animal, startling them both.

“Am I interrupting something,” the Lieutenant asks.

Ainsel squints at the man and shrugs. “Depends on your definition of interrupting.”

Connor takes this as his cue to head back to the front passenger seat. As he gets into the seat, trying not to be disappointed by having his conversation with Ainsel interrupted.

[sams-darlin]

CHARACTER MEGA POST: ANTON AND MY LOVE EDITION

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collages !!

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headcanons !!

anton was born in ukraine to a single mother, his father completely out of the picture and a mystery. his mother tried to make ends meet, getting odd jobs where she could to save up to get her and her son to the united states, but she always made sure that anton had a full belly. she loved cooking and she loved taking care of people and anton inherited those traits.

when anton was roughly 10 years old he and his mom were finally able to immigrate to the us, settling in washington in a majorly ukrainian neighborhood to make the transition easier for the both of them.

his mom went back to school for nursing and got her degree and eventually got a job as a nurse.

anton really wanted a computer and since he was a tech savvy kid he went around his neighborhood fixing people’s phones/tablets/laptops even lawnmowers sometimes to earn the money to get one.

anton took as many tech/coding classes as he could growing up, absorbing information about technology like a sponge.

he met my love in college through mutual friends. he was getting his major in engineering and a minor in computer science, and they were getting their major in botany and minor in psychology.

they both picked their majors based on their special interests(yes they’re both neurodivergent you can’t tell me i’m wrong)

my love worked in a flower shop at the time near campus and would put together bouquets, whether of spare flowers or they’d pay for a full order, and send them to his dorm because they were too shy to talk to him in person. if there was a note attached it would always say “from your secret admirer” cus yk they’re cheesy like that.

because of his poorer upbringing, anton is so grateful of the life he and his love get to spend together. he can get lots of gifts for them without worrying too much about the cost, they can buy things simply for pleasure and not just for necessity. he was very excited when he bought his very own air fryer, something he’d wanted to use for years but never saw enough necessity for it to buy it.

my love is allergic to cats and dogs so they treat the plants like their pets, singing to them, checking on them daily, talking to them, etc. anton loves watching them put a record on and sing along, the sun illuminating them like an angel from the heavens as they water their plants. he could never imagine a more beautiful sight.

my love is muslim and anton always makes sure most of the food he makes is halal so they can enjoy it with him. and of course he’s also incredibly respectful towards their prayer time, holidays, and fasting periods that can go along with them. he loves celebrating their culture with them.

my love is a florist and now works at a different plant/flower shop, this one they own, and they love arranging bouquets for people or events or just for fun. plus they love to keep up the tradition from before they got together of sending anton bouquets to his doorstep from his “secret admirer”, except now it’s a doorstep they share.

my love also likes to take home plants that are dying in the shop from being out too long to “rehabilitate them” (really they just mean steal them. they’ve come home before trying to pretend they’re not hiding something behind their back and anton has to ask “my love have you stolen another plant from your shop?” which they answer with a guilty “noooooo… okay maybe but i’m not stealing! i promise to return this one!” followed by anton laughing because he knows that plant is never seeing the inside of that shop again.)

[stereofish]

A GIRL AND A GUN — CRIMINAL MINDS DR INTRO.

— supervisory special agent

SYNOPSIS. . . the boy genius (spencer reid) & the stubborn girl (krystalina jenner) find comfort in one another . . .

TROPE . . . strangers to co-workers to friends to lovers

BACKSTORY. . . krystalina jenner always knew she wanted to help people. It's why she joined the FBI. One of the first things she remembered from her childhood were flashing red and blue lights. All she wanted to do was stop other little girls from going through what she'd been forced to years ago.

Psychological assessments during her time at the academy had forced her to come to terms with the past. What had happened to her parents. A tragic "accident" that had her adopted at the crime scene, that's all it was. And then what followed not even a decade later. Which, at least the cops believed was actually a serial killer.

Qualified profiler or not, Krystal enjoyed working with the agents far more than any person that could backchat. But avoiding the field was beginning to prove impossible. Especially when a familiar special agent came knocking at her door about the very case she'd spent so many years trying to forget about...

ABOUT ME. . .

name: krystalina "kj" jenner

gender: female

pronouns: she/her

age: 25

dob: 06/03/1986

sexuality: bisexual

occupation: supervisory special agent at the fbi's behavioural analysis unit

languages: english, spanish

hobbies: reading, watching movies, cooking

appearance:

RELATIONSHIPS . . .

spencer reid — co-worker / best friend / (future) husband

genius, shy, socially awkward. spence was the first friend i made when i first joined the bau and he became one of my closest friends. we hit it off from the beginning, as we share similar interests.

derek morgan — co-worker / close friend

confident, flirty, assertive. morgan and i are like sister and brother, he can be really annoying but he would do anything to protect me and the people he cares about, as so would i.

penelope garcia — co-worker / best friends 4 life

cheerful, quirky, oh so lovely. penny is the best person ever. she is always there for me no matter what, i don't know what i would do without her, i love pen with my whole heart.

rest of the bau — co-workers / close friends

smart, hard working, like family. the bau are like family to me. aaron hotchner (hotch), also known as my scary, stern boss is, in a way, like a father i barely had, just don't tell him i said that... jj is my best friend and i would do anything to protect her and her baby boys, i've always hoped that i could have a family of my own one day. emily prentiss... i may of had a little crush on her for a little while when i first joined the bau but i think her and hotch have a thing.

[sophieinwonderland]

Now, why would you dare me to embarrass you and your pals like that?

I appreciate how you wanted my attention so bad you posted me to not one, but two subreddits.

Makes a girl feel special! 🤣

I have actually never seen Wikipedia cited as a source about endogenic plurality. Though I do see anti-endos all the time, when asked for sources, telling people to just Google things.

Anyway, here's @guardianssystem's document filled with academic papers about endogenic plurality:

I've compiled my own, but honestly, theirs is better organized than mine.

And in the interest of fairness, here are all the anti-endo papers debunking endogenic plurality:

Sorry, I forgot. Those don't exist. Oops. 🤷‍♀️

Echo chamber? LOL!

Weren't you the one spouting a bunch of lies on Tumblr, got totally debunked, posted the people who debunked you to r/systemscringe to have a hugbox where fakeclaimers could assure you how the people who contradicted you are all fakers, and then blocked everyone who disagreed with you?

Weren't you also the one who, when shown a quote from an expert in dissociative disorders who worked on the DSM-5 saying that a disorder isn't a disorder if it doesn't cause distress, argued that the people who defined what disorder are must be wrong about that definition?

You're a misinformation machine who can only find support when huddled in cringe subreddits. Don't try to talk about people in echo chambers.

Also, you know most of psychology is just... listening to people? That's how it's been as long as the field existed. DID (or MPD at the time) was a recognized disorder since long before the first brain scans were conducted on DID patients. It's saying something though when basically every single scientist who has ever researched endogenic plurality has said they believe it's a real thing, or that it could be. While absolutely zero academic papers have expressed that it's fake.

There is also an fMRI study into tulpa systems that's been in the works, but results have yet to be published.

Sure, if that's what you'd like me to call you, Crazy. 😊

Anyway, Crazy, you should know that just because you personally find something scary doesn't mean everyone will or that the thing is bad. Personal preferences are a thing.

In a study of tulpamancers though, most generally reported their lives becoming better after the practice.

78% reported improvements in their mental health, and 91% on overall life.

There are many out there who would jump at the chance to have someone there with them that knows them intimately, and to never have to be alone again.

If it's not for you, then so be it.

But it's certainly not something to be afraid of.

And maybe, for those who are willing to commit to the practice while America struggles with an epidemic of loneliness, it's something worth being open to.

This is actually pretty fair.

But that's now, and I'm looking at course of history and trends of plural acceptance.

300 years ago, any plural would be viewed as demon possessed and end up tortured or killed for their plurality.

70 years ago, all plurality was seen as a mental illness, and it was common to force plurals, as well as anyone else associated with mental illnesses, into asylums.

30 years ago, the first real plural communities were able to connect on the internet and form in small numbers.

8 years ago, the first studies into endogenic plurality started being conducted. 4 years ago, the ICD-11 acknowledged that you could have multiple distinct personality states without a disorder. 2023 marked the first, but certainly not the last, time a system used their system name as an author of an academic paper.

Recently, new plural resources have been designed and put into use. More servers than ever are using Pluralkit. And Simply Plural went from 100k users at the end of 2021 to 210k at the end of 2022.

Progress is happening far more rapidly than you realize. And you had best be ready for it.

BOO! 👻

Oh, hey, I just realized... this is literal pluralphobia!

Liberté!

Egalité!

Fraternité!

And yes, The Future is Plural! 😜

[steviebunny]

Pretty Astute Observations

Coquilles

___

06:00

Will Graham walks through the foyer of Hannibal Lectors home, bags still dark and heavy beneath his eyes. 

“Is it safe to assume you are not sleep walking now?”

“I’m sorry its so early”

“Office hours are for patients. My kitchen is always open to friends… and their partners.”

“Lena?”

“Came to see me just an hour ago, an interesting conversation was had on the topic of evil. Perhaps reaching out to her would be your best course of action. That's why Jack recruited her, is it not?” He says while fiddling with the espresso machine.

“I uh- I don’t know her very well.”

“One could always use more friends.”

“What about you doctor?”

“I’ll have you both…If you’ll have me” The innuendo could almost be unsettling if it wasn’t for Hannibal's air of confidence blanketing the statement. “Onset of adult sleepwalking is less common than in children.”

“Could it be a seizure?” Will asks gratefully accepting a glass from Hannibal.

“I’d argue, good old-fashioned post-traumatic stress. Jack Crawford has gotten your hands very dirty ”

“I wasn’t forced back into the field” 

“I wouldn't say ‘forced’, manipulated is the word I’d choose.”

“I can handle it.”

“Somewhere between denying horrible events, and calling them out lies the truth of psychological trauma.”

“So I can’t handle it.”

“Your experience may have overwhelmed ordinary functions that give you a sense of control.”

“If my body is walking around without my permission, you’d say thats a loss of control?”

“Wouldn’t you?” Hannibal asks, taking a sip of his own coffee. “Sleepwalkers demonstrate a difficulty handling aggression. Are you experiencing difficulty with aggressive feelings?”

“You said Jack sees me as fine china used for special guests. I'm beginning to feel more like an old mug.”

“You entered into a devil's bargain with Jack Crawford. It takes a toll.”

“Jack isn't the devil.”

“When it comes to how far he's willing to push you to get what he wants, he's certainly no Saint.”

—-

08:50

“You know, Hannibal seems to think we should be friends.” The statement shocked Lena, of all the things she expected Will Graham to say at a motel crime scene that was not one of them.

“Does he really, and what makes you think I’d like to be your friend?” 

“....I have dogs?”

“Are you asking me, or telling me?”

“Telling.” 

“Good. I love dogs, and now that we have that settled. Room was registered to a John Smith, big surprise there “

“An appalling failure of imagination.”

“They paid cash. There are no security cameras on the premises... another big surprise.”

“John Smith one of the victims?”

“Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, according to the register. They were mutilated and displayed. Jack and Zeller think it’s the Ripper but there were no surgical trophies taken, and the Ripper doesn’t exactly profile like the type of man who would vomit at his own crime scene”

“How can you be sure it wasn’t one of the victims?”

“They were strung up antemortem, and the sick was on the bedside table, once you see their positioning you’ll get why thats improbable.”

“Should I brace myself?”

“Definitely. It's not good in there.”

—

“Hooks were bored into the ceiling. A fishing line was used to hold up the bodies and... the wings. At least we know he's a fisherman.”

“Or a Viking.” Zeller chimed in.

“Vikings do this?

“Vikings used to execute Christians by breaking their ribs, bending them back, and draping the lungs over them to resemble wings. They used to call it a "blood eagle." Pagans mocking the Godfearing.” Lena laughed at Zeller’s ‘fun fact’. He raised a brow in her direction at the gesture prompting her to reply.

“Well you can’t say the Christians didn’t deserve it, they bullied their way into a foreign land, tried to murder those who wouldn’t give up their beliefs in the name of the church then moved their ‘savior’s’ birthday from spring to winter so that they could take over the pagan holiday of Yule for themselves. And pagans were also ‘god-fearing’ just not in a monotheistic sense”

“How do you know all that?”

“When I was with the BAU, the resident boy genius was going on a theology kick for a good few months. Each ride on the jet was at least a couple hours…I picked up some things.”

Zeller admonishes the idea and goes back to impatiently swab collecting with Beverly, She and Price laugh under their breath at the man’s childish behavior.

“No, he isn't mocking them. The unsub thinks he’s…transforming them. Elevating them in some way. 

I need a plastic sheet for the bed.”

—-

This is not who you are. 

This is my gift to you. 

I allow you to become angels. 

And now, I lay me down to sleep.

—

"Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven's claws."

“Robert Frost.”

“Jim Morrison.”

“Even a drunk with a flair for the dramatic can convince himself he's God. Or the lizard king.”

“God makes angels. Jesus was fond of fishermen.”

“Are we talking hardcore Judeo-Christian upsetting, or just upsetting in general?”

“This is a very specific upsetting.”

“Increased serotonin in the wounds is much higher than the free histamines, so, uh, she lived for about 15 minutes after she was skinned.” Zeller announced.

“Powder residue on the neck of the soda bottle shows Vecuronium... scotch and soda and a paralytic agent.”

“Kneeling in supplication at the feet of g-dash-d.”

“Supplication is the most common form of prayer.Gimme, gimme, gimme.”

“They weren't praying to him. They were praying for him. He's afraid.”

“What is somebody who could do something like this afraid of?”

“What's in his vomit?”

“Uh, Dexamethasone...That's used for patients with tumors.”

“Kepra... He's epileptic. Radiation?”

“Gamma four, Steroids for the inflammation, anticonvulsants for the seizures, radiation for the chemotherapy.”

“Our guy has a brain tumor.”

“He's afraid of dying in his sleep.  He's making angels to watch over him.”

—-

An eclectically dressed woman, speed walks in her high-heeled shoes down the halls of the FBI looking for her target. Penelope Garcia won tickets to the most exclusive karaoke bar in Virginia (okay maybe she rigged the competition a little, who has to know?) and she’ll be damned if any member of her precious found family denies her invitation. The moment she spots Lena she grabs the woman’s arm pulling her into the commissary.

“You owe me.”

“What-” 

“Technically I’m not supposed to be helping out your team, and- and well you owe me, so you can’t say no to me!”

“Penny, what are you talking about?”

“This weekend, karaoke, you, me, BAU.”

“I’m on a case right now, sweetie. If Crawford doesn’t have us in the field I’ll be there.”

“Oh, you’ll be there alright. I’ll make sure of it!” The grin on Penelope’s face is contagious even as she rushes back off to her fortress of solitude.

—-

12:00

“There is no one and only spiritual center of the brain”

“Any idea of God comes from many different areas of the mind working together in unison.”

“Maybe I was wrong.”  Being wrong in this case seems like an unnatural event no matter how true or untrue it may be.

“How do you profile someone who has an anomaly in their head changing the way they think?”

“A tumor can definitely affect brain function, even cause vivid hallucinations. However, what appears to be driving your angel maker to create heaven on earth is a simple issue of mortality. Can't beat God, become him?”

“You said he was afraid.”

“He feels abandoned.”

“Ever feel abandoned, Will?”

“Less and less each day, if you and Jack keep encouraging me to make friends, either way, abandonment requires expectation.”

“What were your expectations of Jack Crawford and the FBI?”

“Jack hasn't abandoned me…I didn't expect to be working so closely with others…Lena wants to meet my dogs or rather insinuates she wants to meet my dogs. Definitely didn't expect that.” 

“Perhaps Jack hasn't abandoned you in a discernable way.”

“Perhaps in the way gods abandon their creations.”

“Is Jack God to you?”

“No more than you are.” If Will had looked at Hannibal's face he might have just seen a smile.

“You say he hasn't abandoned you, but at the same time you find yourself wandering around Wolf Trap in the middle of the night.”

“Well... This should be interesting…Please, doctor, proceed.”

“Jack gave you his word he would protect your headspace, yet he leaves you to your mental devices”

“Are you trying to alienate me from Jack Crawford?”

“I'm trying to help you set proper boundaries between employee and employer…I am also trying to help you understand this angel maker you seek. Well, help me understand how to catch him. If he were a classic paranoid schizophrenic, you might be able to influence him to become visible. What, scare him out into the daylight?”

“Might even get him to hurt himself, if he hasn't already. If he were self destructive, he-he..he wouldn't be so careful.”

“Unless he's careful about being self-destructive, making angels to pray over him when he sleeps.”

“Sleep is sacred, and who prays over us when we sleep?”

---

19:00

“Why angels?”

“Well, it isn't biblical. His angels have wings.”

“Um, angels in sculptures and paintings can fly, but not in scripture.”

“Technically not…if we're accounting for the angels that amass as giant winged amalgamations of eyeballs one would assume they could fly too?” Lena now always being a foot behind him is a fact he'll need to get used to at scenes.

“He's drawing from secular sources?”

“His mind has turned against him and there's no one there to help.”

“Uh, Jack... look at this.”

Are those… What are those?”

“Somebody got an orchiectomy real cheap.”

“Doesn't look like the victim.”

“So they're the angel maker's?”

Lena might just need to stop threatening to castrate men who frustrate her now, something about actually seeing the after-effects is more than unsettling.

“He castrated himself?”

“So he isn't just making angels; He's getting ready to become one. Angels don't have genitalia.”

“So he was afraid of dying. Now he's, what, getting used to the idea?”

“He's accepting it or he's bargaining. Heh, bargaining chips!”

“So, does this mean that he's done making angels, or is he just getting started?”

“I don't know.”

“Well, he's not just killing them when he's sleepy. I mean, how is he choosing them?”

“I don't know. Ask him.” Will begins to sweat almost profusely, removing his glasses and wiping his brow.

“I'm asking you.”

“You're the head of the behavioral science unit, Jack. Why don't you come up with your own answers if you don't like mine!?” Will’s voice raises in frustration. Crawford's face begins to morph into a threatening scowl.

“I did not hear that! Did I?!” he screams back at Will. Lena steps forward separating the two men.

“Jack I think its time for you to take a step back.”

“Do NOT get involved Gibbs”

“You brought me in to get involved! He’s obviously overwhelmed and looks like he’s on the verge of passing out, pushing your team won’t get you shit.”

“I know how far I can push my own team”

“Graham isn't officially on the team, you made that clear, and I’m telling you he’s done with the psycho-predicting today”

“I don’t need to be protected, I can see the rest of the scene,” Will says with a dejected rasp.

“I didn’t say we’re leaving, just to stop getting into the Angel Maker's head. I’m sure Dr. Lecter would agree with me if he’d seen that interaction.”

Jack's face screws back up and he storms away from Will and Lena. Beverly then approaches with a friendly smile and a gentle hand on Will’s shoulder. “My ears rang like the first time I heard my mom use the f-word. Are you ok?’ (he chuckles) ‘I know it's a stupid question considering that none of us could possibly be ok doing what we do, but… are you ok?”

“Do I seem different?”

“You're a little different, but you've always been a little different.”

“Brilliant strategy… that way no one ever knows if something's up with you.”

“Maybe not anymore, you’ve got a guard dog now.” Bev smiles and nods at Lena, then leads the two behind her further into the scene.

—-

19:20

“Meet Roger and Marilyn Brunner. You might recognize them from such lists as most wanted.”

“He likes to rape and murder, she likes to watch.”

“We got a DNA match. They falsified the motel registry and were driving a stolen car, so it took a second to identify them.”

“I wonder how long it took Angel Maker to identify them.”

“He didn't choose them randomly. He knows something about them.”

“He sees something we don’t.” It gets harder to not think of Sherlock, why the hell is Virgina so full of artistic and metaphorically motivated criminals?

“The murdered security guard wasn't actually a security guard. He was a convicted felon.”

“Could Angel Maker be a vigilante?”

“Well, vigilantes are pragmatic, they're purposeful; They don't lay down and sleep under their crimes.”

“In his mind, he was doing God's work. That spells vigilante.” Feels eerily similar to a certain terrorist too.

“Well, playing at God has other advantages. One of them…Is always being alone. So he makes angels out of demons.”

“How does he know they're demons?”

“He doesn't have to know. All he has to do is believe.

—

22:00

Will escorts Lena to a joint session with Hannibal practically the second after the both of them had been dismissed from duty for the evening.

“It's difficult to lie still and fear going to sleep.”

“What is there to think about?”

“You listen to your breathing in the dark and the tiny clicks of your blinking eyes.”

“I dream more now than I used to.”

“Well, your dreams were the one place you could be physically safe, relinquishing control. Not anymore.”

“Yeah, I thought about zipping myself up into a sleeping bag before I go to sleep, but it, heh, sounds like a poor man's straight jacket.”

“I’ve always found another body to be helpful…Sherlock would drape himself over me like a blanket when we slept. Bit hard to thrash during a nightmare if you’re simultaneously being squished.”

“Are you offering yourself to Will as a duvet, Lena?”

She laughs dismissively “We don’t know each other that well yet, Lecter. I’m sure at least one of your dogs is large enough to keep Graham still.” 

Will grimaces and huffs, “The dogs don’t sleep in my bed, I sweat sort of profusely…so even if they start there they’ll move off during the night at some point.”

“Well, then I guess I’m getting you an expensive sleeping bag for Christmas.” Will can’t actually tell whether she means that sarcastically or not, he looks to Dr. Lecter prompting the psychiatrist's next question.

“Have you two determined how this angel maker is choosing his victims?”

“Our killer, Well, he doesn't see people how everyone else sees them. He can tell if you're naughty or nice, or he thinks he can.”

“So God has given this person insight into the souls of men.”

“God didn't give him insight; God gave him a tumor.”

“God… rapidly dividing cells that keep trucking along. Seems so human, what deity would work so hard?”

“He's just a man whose brain is playing tricks on him.”

“You are not unlike this killer.”

“My brain is playing tricks on me?”

“You want to feel such sweet and easy peace. The angel maker wants that same peace .He hopes to feel his way cautiously inside and then find it's endless, all around him.”

“He's gonna be disappointed.”

“You accept the impossibility of such a feeling, whereas the angel maker is still chasing it.”

“I don’t think peace is impossible, I think the point of life is just striving for it, having it for a short amount of time. Then chaos ensues again. Balance, good and bad, Evil and righteousness. Peace and terror.”

“ And what or your life Lena has it been balanced between this sense of peace and terror?”

“More terror than peace, lately. But I think the scales are starting to level again.”

“If the Angel Maker got close to peace, that's why he will look for it again. I've tried to reconstruct his thinking and find his patterns.”

“Instead you find yourself in a behavior pattern you can't break. You realize you have a choice.”

“What is it?”

“Angel Maker will be destroyed by what's happening inside his head; You don't have to be.”

“That would require him telling Jack to screw off and stop pushing him,” Lena says as Hannibal stands from his place at his desk.

“Do you feel that Jack Crawford has bad intentions when it comes to dear Will?” 

“I’ve known Jack a long time. We’ve always had an antagonistic relationship, we first met through his wife when I was young. She helped my father on a case…he was not thrilled, I’ve never known why. He then tried to poach me back when I was with the BAU, but he chose to wait until our unit chief was going through difficulty…I suspect he might have even had a hand in convincing Director Strauss of her ‘motivations’. I didn’t want to be manipulated so I left. Went to Scotland Yard, and well… you know the rest, terror struck, Crawford sunk his claws in and here I am. The least I could do in my task to help Will is make Jack's life a little more annoying don't you think?”

Both men seemed to take in Lena’s perspective though whether her opinions on Crawford landed with Will is unknown. Hannibal seemed a bit more accepting. Nodding as he leaned into Will, sniffing the detective.

“Did you just smell me?”

“Difficult to avoid. I really must introduce you to a finer aftershave. That smells like something with a ship on the bottle.”

“Well, I keep getting it for Christmas.”

“Have your headaches been any worse lately? More frequent?”

“Yes, actually.” 

“ I'd change the aftershave.”

—-

07:00

“Elliot Budish: 35-year-old truck driver.”

“He's got a fishing license too. Uh, match came from the national cancer database.”

“Married, two kids… they haven't seen him in four months.”

“He was diagnosed five months ago.”

“Meet the angel maker.”

—-

“This'll be the last one.”

“It's Budish?”

“He made himself into an angel.”

“It wasn't God, it wasn't man. It was his choice to die.”

“His choice?”

“As much as he can make it.”

“I don't know how much longer I can be all that useful to you, Jack.”

“Really? You caught three. The last three we had, you caught. You caught three of them.”

“No, I didn't catch this one. Elliot Budish… surrendered.”

“You know, I'm used to my wife not talking to me. I don't have to get used to you not talking to me too.”

“No one wants to know your relationship issues Jack.” That earns Lena a glare, and if it was anyone else probably the uptick of a certain favorite finger.

“It's getting harder and harder to make myself look.”

“Well, nobody's asking you to look alone.” He says, angling a hand to the red-head.

“All due respect I am looking alone.”

“None taken, I’ve kinda made a career of playing sidekick.”

“You wanna go back to your lecture hall? Read about this stuff on tattlecrime.com?”

“Would you let him?” Lena says at the same moment Will announces “No, I don't…But that may be what I have to do. This is bad for me.”

“You go back to your classroom. When there's k*lling going on that you could've prevented, it will sour your classroom forever.”

“Maybe. And then maybe I'll find a job as a diesel mechanic in a boatyard.”

“You wanna quit? Quit.”

—

Entree (part 1)

“In the night. In the dark. Journey’s end and yet lover’s meeting.”

[7-ratsinatrenchcoat]

Two things I wanna know! (feel free to ignore obviously ^^ )

What are your top 5 favorite characters and why are they your favorite? Could be current favorites, favorites over the years that you still like, favorites in general, etc. Also any media

And/or gimme 1-5 of your ocs - whether they're your favorite, most recent, the one you've been having fun with recently, etc. Tell me some fun facts about them, and why you picked them!

Hope you're having a great day/night - and remember to stay hydrated!

TOP 5 CHARACTERS (AT THE MOMENT, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

Elizabeth

My pookie! She got done so dirty by Nakaba, I could write a dissertation about how she deserves a better character arc than she was given and exactly how to do it. My version of her is so OOC that when I watch the series, it feels weird for her to be so different from how I think of her.

Nezuko

Okay, maybe I'm a sucker for poorly written female characters that deserve a better story. I wrote a fic where she learns sign and actually has complicated feelings about her brother, the Hashira and Urokodaki, which I wish the series would have explored more outside of 'oh it's fine/I forgot'.

Sukuna

I AM NOT HORNY ABOUT HIM. I AM A BIG FAT DYKE. I do think he's a well written villain in the sense that he's likeable enough not to be annoying, but not so likeable that he stops being an antagonist. It's hard to put your main villain and hero in the same body, but I think Gege does it wonderfully.

Meliodas

This list would be incomplete without him. Like Elizabeth, I have such a different conception of him in my brain than exists in canon, when I watch the series it feels like a different character completely. His concept is so good and juicy, he just happened to be written by a man.

Cast of Neon Genesis Evangelion

They gave us so much. My first mecha anime and my first psychological/existential/philosophical anime all in one! I can't think of a badly written character in this entire show, but it definitely exists on a different scope to me. It's just so far beyond what a lot of other shows want to say/have the writing to say. That said I do think Cyberpunk Edgerunner was a great show to follow it with, matched the futuristic vibes, complex characters and philosophical message well.

TOP 5 OCs (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

Hikari (NNT)

I think she is my oldest OC out of this entire list at 5 years old this spring. I've seriously put her through so much for the plot, and at this point I think she and her entire universe have safely exited hyperfixation and entered special interest territory. Her ass is going nowhere soon, and even if I spend time with other OCs, it always comes back to her. I have her entire life developed from birth to at least ~50, and trust me, it's not all pretty. Some of it is! But not all of it.

Tristan (NNT)

He's only younger than Hikari by about two weeks, so almost 5 years for him. Not the same as 4KOTA Tristan, I heard that the canon melizabeth kid was named Tristan and went 'oh, sounds good I'll take it' before 4KOTA even came out. The two could not be more different. I almost put him and Hikari in the same entry, they come as a unit like that, but he deserves his own paragraph. He has also gone through more than any normal person would have put him through, but I am no normal bitch. I need a shirt that says 'I put blond men in situations'.

Natsuri Fujikawa (Demon Slayer)

She's much younger than the twins at about 1.5, but I'm still loving her storyline and plot development. She's in the Demon Slayer universe, and is only 10 when she goes through the Horrors, which might be a mary-sue type deal but I really don't care. It brings me joy. Does it say something about me that forced cannibalism, kidnapping and psychological torture sparks joy? Maybe. I haven't written any of her stuff down yet, I should probably do that.

Misoka (HXH)

Older than Natsuri but younger than the twins, let's call it about two years. Her story is a little looser, but goes through more ups and downs than straight misery punctuated by moments of brightness. She's fun for when I need a little more variety in the delusions, but is still versatile enough for me to put her in Situations and have it feel normal. I probably owe her an apology for making her try to kill her adoptive family.

Claudia and One (OG)

The original strangers -> friends -> lovers. I wrote a hundred pages of angst and whump about you before it was flagged by my middle school and I got called into the counselor's office because of it. Shoutout to the social worker who told me it was good writing and that I should keep working on it, I just had to move it off of my school account. You were a real one.

[theeasistwayofdoingthings]

Character sheet

(link for notion)

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Read(about the sheet)

My first language isn't English, so if there are any grammatical problems, I'll be glad if you correct me.

If you have any suggestions of things to add in this sheet feel free to tell me, I can make personalized character sheets too(Character sheets with specific themes, ex: strawberry themed sheet), so if you wanna one you can ask :)

Read:

I'm planning on making more sheets not exclusively Character creation sheets, but maybe sheets for, potion creation, musical group sheets, things like that So if you'll have any suggestions feel free to tell me.

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If you prefer to see directly without the link:

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“Character quote”

General information

Name:

Pronunciation:

Meaning:

Middle name:

Pronunciation:

Meaning:

It's an honor to a family member?

Surname:

Pronunciation:

Meaning:

Nicknames:

Titles:

Hometown:

Current city:

Gender identity:

Birthday:

Dominant hand:

Sign:

Mbti:

Symbol (if they have):

Handwriting:

Signature:

Appearance

Height:

Weight:

Specie:

Race:

Blood type:

Skin Color:

Extra member(if they have):

Birthmarks:

— How is It:

— Where is it:

Piercings:

— Name of the piercing:

— Where is it:

— Piercing jewelry:

Scars:

— How it is:

— Where it is:

— How they get it:

Tattoos:

— How is it:

— Where is it:

— Have any personal meaning?

Hair color:

Hair length:

Hair type(if is straight, wavy, curly or coily):

Haircut/hairstyle:

Ear shape(if are human ears,pointy, etc...):

Eye color:

Eye shape:

Eyebrows:

Nose shape:

Teeth:

Nails size:

Nails shape:

Face shape:

Facial hair:

Fur:

Fur length:

Fur color:

Fur pattern:

Tail color:

Tail size:

Tail type:

Tail pattern:

Wings color:

Wings size:

Scent:

Walking style:

Running style:

Health

Diet:

Exercise:

Posture:

Reflexes:

Eating habits:

Sleep habits:

Allergies:

Illnesses:

Disorders:

Syndromes:

Imperfections :

Broken bones:

Abnormalities:

Disability:

Meds:

Psychological

Memory:

Temperament:

Vocabulary:

Mental health:

Emotional stability:

Instincts:

Learning style:

Interpersonal:

Intrapersonal:

How they see the world:

How they see their life:

Linguistics:

logical-mathematical:

Perception

Sight:

Hearing:

Smell:

Touch:

Taste:

Intuition:

Philosophy

Religion:

Devotion:

Superstitions:

Animal spirit:

Morals:

Etiquette:

Attitude:

Mantras:

Taboos:

Character

Main goal:

Secondary goal:

Priorities:

Motivations:

Self-confidence:

Self-control:

Self-esteem:

Hobbies:

Personal hobbies:

Guilty pleasure:

Habits:

Desires:

Manias:

Afflictions :

Traumas:

Concerns :

nervous tics :

soft spots:

Achievements :

Greatest achievement:

failures:

Greatest failures:

Favorite dream:

Worst nightmare:

Latest memory:

Earliest memory:

Happiest memory:

Saddest memory:

Funniest memory:

Vocabulary

Compliments:

Insults:

most used words:

Greetings:

Preferences

Likes:

Dislikes:

Special interests:

Most favorite things/subjects :

Least favorite things/subjects:

Combat Skills

Martial arts:

Resistance:

Strong points:

Weak points:

Specialties:

Special move:

Speed: From 0 to 10=

Dexterity: From 0 to 10=

Agility: From 0 to 10=

Flexibility: From 0 to 10=

Stamina: From 0 to 10=

Home, job, education

Hometown:

Current City:

Home traditions:

Routine:

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Employer/boss:

Job:

Rank:

Do they like their job?

Experience:

Community service:

Supervisor:

Job hours:

Work ethics:

Method of transport to work:

Criminal record:

Dream job:

Salary:

Expenses?

Dependents:

Savings:

Debts:

Budget:

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Primary school:

Elementary School:

Middle school:

High school:

College:

Extracurricular activities:

Special education?

Average grades:

Study habits:

Graduation year:

Specialties:

PETS

Pet #1

Name:

Specie:

Race:

Sex:

Age:

Is neutered:

Is it a service animal?

Social life

Best friends:

Best friend #1

— Relationship with me:

— Have we known each other for a long time?:

— When we meet each other:

— Where we meet each other:

- Nicknames that they receive:

- Nicknames that they give:

Friends:

Friend #1

— Relationship with me:

— Have we known each other for a long time?:

— When we meet each other:

— Where we meet each other:

- Nicknames that they receive:

- Nicknames that they give:

Allies:

Allie #1

— Relationship with me:

— Have we known each other for a long time?:

— When we meet each other:

— Where we meet each other:

- Nicknames that they receive:

- Nicknames that they give:

Acquaintances:

Acquaintance#1

— Relationship with me:

— Have we known each other for a long time?:

— When we meet each other:

— Where we meet each other:

- Nicknames that they receive:

- Nicknames that they give:

followers:

Follower #1

— Relationship with me:

— Have we known each other for a long time?:

— When we meet each other:

— Where we meet each other:

- Nicknames that they receive:

- Nicknames that they give:

Subordinates:

Subordinate#1

— Relationship with me:

— Have we known each other for a long time?:

— When we meet each other:

— Where we meet each other:

- Nicknames that they receive:

- Nicknames that they give:

Rivals:

Rival #1

— Relationship with me:

— Have we known each other for a long time?:

— When we meet each other:

— Where we meet each other:

— Why we don't get along:

- Nicknames that they receive:

- Nicknames that they give:

Enemies:

Enemy #1

— Relationship with me:

— Have we known each other for a long time?:

— When we meet each other:

— Where we meet each other:

— Why we don't get along:

- Nicknames that they receive:

- Nicknames that they give:

Inspirations:

— Why is it an inspiration?

Heroes:

Mentors:

Communicative:

Cooperative:

Discriminations :

Reputation:

Sociability:

Status:

Social class:

Community:

Family

Mother:

— how is their relationship with her?

Father:

— How is their relationship with him?

Siblings:

Sibling #1

— How is their relationship with them?

Children:

Child #1

— How is their relationship with them?

Relatives:

Distant relatives:

ancestry:

Love life

First love:

Romantic interest:

Marital status:

S/O, Romantic partner:

Sexual orientation:

Romantic orientation:

Love language:

Information about their partner

— who asked to date?

How many years of dating:

When was the dating ask:

Where it was:

How it was:

— Who proposed ?

How many years married:

When was the propose:

Where was the propose:

How it was:

informations for the story

Archetypes:

Enneagram:

Mbti:

Tropes:

Cliches:

Role:

Voice actor:

Symbolizes something:

Inspiration:

One word:

Theme song:

Soundtrack:

Date of creation:

First appearance(Date, local, event):

Latest appearance(Date, local, event):

Last appearance(Date, local, event):

Impressions

First impressions:

How they see themselves:

How the family see them:

How their partner see them:

How their friends see them:

How the authorities see then:

How strangers see them:

How their enemies see them:

Development

Personal:

Social:

Physical:

Mentally:

How they Express

Angry

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Anxiety

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Confusion

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Depression

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Embarrassment

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Enthusiasm

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Fear

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Guilty

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Happiness

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Repentance/Regret

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Nervous

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Offended

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Gratitude

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Sadness

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Stressed

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Thoughtful

Facial expression:

Body language:

Attitudes:

Biography

Infancy (0-3):

Childhood (4-12):

Adolescence (13-19):

Adulthood (20-54):

Seniority (55+):

—What you can put in the biography:

Birth name?

Born with health?

Where they were born?

Way of birth?

First words?

— if they are dead you can put:

Death date?

Where they die?

How they die?

Where was they buried? Was they buried?

Death wish?

Last words?

[schizosupport]

so with brain stuff or whatever

Who am I supposed to bring stuff up to at the start?

I'm currently in the middle of a lot of changes (trying to switch primary doctor and get a therapist and stuff) and one of the reasons for me changing that stuff is that my brain is very weird and I need to figure out why/get help with it

But when I'm bringing up symptoms or whatever, I had very much assumed that would be therapist but I'm also not fully sure who does what in a system like that (primary doctor vs therapist vs psychologist) and in the past have had some problems with that (still don't really know who the hell is supposed to diagnose sensory processing disorder)

Also any suggestions for like... what's a good area or amount to start with when trying to bring stuff up? I haven't talked to someone about mental health type things in a really long time and have had problems with derealization/depersonalization, possible depression, possible ocd, some weird situations in which I wasn't really sure what was real, a couple anxiety spirals over illogical things, intrusive thoughts, etc and I don't really know what to prioritize or how much to say in a way where I wouldn't overwhelm someone new, wouldn't be worried about telling them too much, but would also be able to give enough information about something to lead to a diagnosis or help

Sorry if this is too long or too much information or too many questions or anything like that

Hi there!

Okay so the annoying truth is that this depends a lot on the healthcare system where you live, and I don't know where you live (nor do I know the system everywhere) but I can try to give you some general pointers.

Your primary doctor is the first person to talk to, if you need a referral to see any of the other professionals you mentioned, but usually the primary doctor isn't the one doing the diagnosis or treatment (though they may prescribe some types of psych medication, and they often take over prescribing from a psychiatrist once the right meds have been found).

The psychiatrist is a type of doctor, and they are the person to talk to if you're interested in medication, and in some systems psychiatrists may also be who refers you to see a therapist. In a lot of systems it's primarily psychiatrists who diagnose people, too. Sometimes clinical psychologists also do diagnoses, but psychiatrists always do diagnosis + medication (and only very rarely do they engage in therapy).

A psychologist is someone who's educated in the field of psychology, so they (ideally) have an in-depth understanding of general human psychology, and they often are also educated in mental disorders and in different approaches to therapy. In terms of treating mental illness, some psychologist do diagnose, but the most common function is for them to do talk therapy.

Therapists can technically have any educational background, and refers to anyone who "does therapy".

If you're looking for a mental health professional to treat you with talk therapy, you ideally want a therapist who has a degree in psychology. If you're looking for a mental health professional to diagnose you and prescribe medication, you're looking for a psychiatrist (doctor of medicine who specializes in psychiatry).

If you have the ability to see any of these professionals without a referral, you can choose which one based on what you are looking for. And if you need a referral, then the first step is your primary doctor.

With a primary doctor you want to give them enough information to ensure getting a referral, but you don't have to throw your whole heart out there. If you are in a diagnostic setting, usually (ideally) they follow a semi-standardized questionnaire like the PSE, so a lot of the time they are the ones leading the conversation and asking you questions. Sometimes they will do an initial interview where you tell them freely about what's bothering you. Try to focus on the things that are causing you the most distress, and try to avoid clinical language.

With a therapist, the goal is to build a therapeutic relationship, and you can approach it based on feels - it's ok not to open up about everything at once, but it can also be helpful to take time to define the goals of therapy together (which would include what you're struggling with and wanting to work on).

Hope this was at all helpful,

Best of luck!

[dpdcultureis]

can i get a run down of typical dpd traits and what it's like to have the disorder??? i didn't realize this was a disorder (which- as someone with a special interest in psychology it came as a surprise-) and i'm genuinely curious and want to learn more... i have suspicions about myself and some friends of mine now... 😅

also, if you'd rather dm me answers than post, that's totally fine too! i may end up with follow up questions too 😅

(also i'm so sorry if this isn't the type of ask you prefer and you don't have to answer at all if you don't want, i'm just curious and usually talking to ppl w i t h the specific disorders is sm more helpful and accurate than google 💀)

hey hi!! i'll answer with regards to how it presents for me, but keep in mind that it'll probably look a bit different for me because i have other mental illnesses (including personality disorders) that also influence my behaviour ^^ any of my followers are free to chime in with their experiences too, and just looking through the #actually dpd or #actually dependent tags might be a good pursuit too!!

for me it manifests as being very anxious about making my own decisions (even when i don't necessarily recognise it as such; sometimes it presents so casually - asking about something that really doesn't need external input - that i don't notice when it happens). it also causes a deep fear of living alone and being abandoned/losing the people close to me, although the first one may be partially influenced by the fact i'm physically disabled, and the latter is common in some other PDs too. i typically seek validation over little things and share as much of what i'm doing as possible to my close friends in an attempt to reaffirm my acceptance and the fact they care about me, in a way?

for me i also seem to get a bit clingy, which if left unchecked could progress into something worse like overprotectiveness/jealousy and the like. for me that doesn't happen because my other PDs mask that aspect, but i do sometimes feel that possessiveness that i worry about, especially around my depended (DPD's version of the BPD 'favourite person', for lack of a better way to explain it)

being asked to guess or make my own decision causes me some anxiety, and doing things without permission causes a similar stress. i still tell my parents whenever i'm leaving the house and what i'm doing, and sometimes ask if i can go out, and i turn 20 later this year 😭

i can't really think of much else to talk about that isn't just reiterating what i've already said but with different examples, so now i'll leave this open for any followers here to rb/comment and add their own experiences!

(if you're curious, the other PDs i believe i have are AvPD and BPD, which overlap somewhat with these symptoms, but also work to mask some of them too. bc of that, a lot of my experience with DPD is internal)